Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
