I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
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