the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
