How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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