I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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