8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
