So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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