are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
