So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i would punch a child for taco bell
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
