he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
