fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
