I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
