if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
