I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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