4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
