He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
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There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
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Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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