I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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