a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Buhtt sex?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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