theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
