Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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