there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
