i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
