You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
4 words: hood of his car
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
