the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Randomize
