Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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