as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
