Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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