My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
