I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
