please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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