My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
