I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
