My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
