did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
