So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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