My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
