Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
