I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam ๐
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesnโt mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. Youโre flying for two weddings. Youโre gonna need that first class.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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