he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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