Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
