the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
