Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
where are my eyebrows?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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