Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
