8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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