That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
