Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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