dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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