apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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