Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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