My liver just broke up with me...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
