so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
