Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Randomize
