Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
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So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
why is half of my head shaved?
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