...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
