Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
