I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
