I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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