you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
