I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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